Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
