Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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