i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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