Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
