Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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