if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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