theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
