It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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