i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
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