Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
