I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
