i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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