He told me they were just razor bumps!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
