What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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