Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize