Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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