i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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