Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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