he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
