im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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