One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
