I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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