dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
