i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
