can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
