Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
