Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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