you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize