If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
