Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
