I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
