proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
