The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
