She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize