Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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