Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
