He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
