She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
