For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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