I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize