just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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