my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
