I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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