i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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