You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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