I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
