you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
