Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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