i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
