Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
