toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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