i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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