actually, I'm a sock model
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize