why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
