Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
