I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
