so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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