i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
