i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
