Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
